I feel so overwhelmed by life right now like I just want to run away from it all. My new found dad doesn't want anything to do with me, my husband keeps coming up with more ideas then I can keep up with and it scares me, I feel bored with life and unmotivated to do anything, people irritate me by assuming things and they do things that hurt me and they don't even know it! I just want to run away for a few days so I can get a completely new perspective on life. I miss grandma and I am tired of everyone dying. I just want to scream. I feel like everything has been falling around me all at once and I don't know what to do with it. I feel stuck and like no one could possibly understand. I feel bad for feeling bad because everybody elses lives seem so much worse then mine. That is it. Okay maybe not but for now.

Found out yesterday that a baby was stillborn yesterday she was 31 weeks and the cord was wrapped around her neck. The cord it is supposed to give life, but so often it brings death. I don't understand how God can allow things like this to happen. I hate death. I hate when people who are close to me die or have someone else die that is close to them. I don't understand. I want to understand that all of the ways of the Lord are gracious and compassionate. This baby girl would have been the 1st baby born to this young couple, a couple who were excited to have her. She would have been the 5th grandchild born to grandparents who will now never know what it would feel like to hold her. Jesus please bring your comfort to this family and help us understand.

I have nothing profound to say, but HELLO Blogger world! I have been tossing back and forth the idea about starting to blog again for a while. Simply because facebook doesn't give me enough space to share what is on my heart. I am not sure if anyone will read this and that is okay with me. I hope if people do read this they won't judge me, but will give support and I will do the same with them. In ALL things God is good and I am glad for that. Well, that is it for now.

A Week From Today

Sorry I haven't posted much on here. My main blog is xanga.com/thesmelloflavender and that is where I post most of my pictures of my family and blog.
Well, we are moving a week from today. We will be out of the house on Monday and staying in a hotel in Palm Springs that night after we pick up my grandparents. I am feeling a little better about the move and I think I am trusting God in this.
I voted this morning and I guess you could say bitter against all of the people who voted for Obama. Even so I am going to trust God in all of this. I guess they only voted for him, because it is what God wanted. I am going to trust Him and Him only.

Moving

I haven't put this on my other blog, but my little family of three is moving to PA. I have mixed feelings about this move. I can get excited, but mostly I am nervous and scared. Mainly we are moving because PA is beautiful and second because hopefully Shawn can get steady work. Also, my family is there. Got to love my family. I just don't want to leave here. There were so many firsts here and I worked so hard to get friends. Now we have to start all over again. I hate change. It scares me.
Also, when Shawn and I have an argument or he is driving me crazy I can just pick up the phone and call my friends or talk to them in person, but it will be different even if I can still pick up the phone and call them. They just won't be down the road or a few cities away. Or when Shawn isn't consistant at least I can count on them to understand because they know him. People in PA won't know him. Not even my family. Or when I am struggling with my insecurity they will be there, but people in PA really won't. I don't even think my family will.
The bright side will be that we won't have to celebrate holidays alone. That has been the hardest part about living in CA.

In other news Elizabeth is going to be 13 weeks on Tuesday. On her last doctors appt. She was 12 lbs 4 oz and 23 1/4 in long. She did great with her first set of shots. She is a total blessing from God and I am glad that she is my daughter.

Fallen

I messed up today for the first time since the beginning of June. I was doing great and now I am not sure how I am doing. I did realize something though God does forgive me, but Satan doesn't want me to realize that. He wants to keep me under his power and I have been. I have opened doors to him that should have been kept closed.

Life has been so confusing lately. Shawns work has been slow. We are moving back to PA in November. Now keep in mind I have been pushing this, but at the same time I am scared.

Why can't I just be the submissive wife that keeps her mouth closed and let her husband lead? Because he doesn't have a good track record leading and I am scared to. I don't trust him. Father, this is the man you have put at the head of this household help me to submit to him and trust him as the leader of the family. Help me to step out of the way.